Demons Who Drank With Me: Sober Musical Interlude #4

As part of my recovery, I try to find songs that inspire me and provide a sense of hope for the future.  I add them to my “recovery playlist” on my ipod, and occasionally share them here. There are times, though, when I need to hear a song that reminds me of what it was like when I was using. As author/philosophist George Santayana famously wrote, “Those who can not remember the past are doomed to repeat it.”

I am a chronic forgetter: in the past, when I’ve been clean and sober for a respectable amount of time, I ‘ve tended to  forget how bad it was when I was “out there.”  I’d begin to regain a sense of power over my drug use. I’d stop investing in my recovery, and slowly (or sometimes at the speed of light) slip back into my disease.

With Table for One, the typically provocative singer/songwriter Liz Phair eschews controversial lyrics and viewpoints, crafting instead a first-person account of one man’s life as an active alcoholic. Though crystal meth was my drug of choice, the feelings this song elicits are pretty much the same ones any addict feels when living in their disease: loneliness, shame, hopelessness.

This time, I’m going to remember to not forget.

Give it a listen (lyrics below):

I’m walking down in the basement
I’m leaning on the washing machine
I’m reaching back through a hole in the wall’s insulation
I’m pulling out a bottle of vodka
Replacing that with a pint of Jim Bean
I’m lying down on the floor until I feel better

It’s morning and I pour myself coffee
I drink it til the kitchen stops shaking
I’m backing out of the driveway
And into creation

And the loving spirit that follows me
Watching helplessly, will always forgive me

Oh, I want to die alone
With my sympathy beside me
I want to bring down all those demons who drank with me
Feasting gleefully
On my desperation

I hide all the bottles in places
They find and confront me with pain in their eyes
And I promise that I’ll make some changes

But reaching back it occurs to me
There will always be some kind of crisis for me

Oh, I want to die alone
With my sympathy beside me
I want to bring back all those moments they stole from me
In my reverie
Darkening days end

Oh, I want to die alone
With my memories inside me
I want to live that life
When I could say people had faith in me
I still see that guy in my memory

Oh, I want to die alone
With my sympathy beside me
I want to bring down all those people who drank with me
Watching happily
My humiliation

About andy nicastro

I'm a producer, writer, graphic designer, former overachiever, current procrastinator and occasional catastrophic fuckupper living in Los Angeles.

Posted on March 23, 2013, in addiction, alcoholism, drugs, music, recovery, sadness, song, spirituality, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. You have a beautiful soul. Not many can stand tall like you have. Many people fight demons and not many confront them. You have and are doing so in a inspiring way. Go you! Sending my love!

  2. You are the definition of strength… I have never personally dealt with an addiction or anything like that, but I know how real it is and how it affects people. There are many times when I see people walking around and I can clearly see they have “demons” they are fighting but they seem so alone, they sit on the sidewalk alone and have no one to help them. My heart aches for them. Most of the time you can see they dont want help and dont think they have any problems. Willpower is the strongest thing someone can posses, once you have the willpower you can accomplish anything. Also it is so very important to identify problems and put them in front of you, because if you dont the problem never goes away. You have put it right in front of yourself and the world, you have such courage and I admire that. People like you are the ones that change the world! Keep your head high ❤

  3. Nice song! Lyrics are very poetic.

  4. Powerful images in both the song and your narrative. While you’re remembering how using sucks, remember that you’ve got people you’ve never met rooting for your permanent recovery, ok?

  5. It’s amazing how much we relate to a song lyrics and how much impact they can have on our lives. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself with us.

  6. What a beautiful song. I hope every day is a strong one for you!

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